snoocher
August 26, 2017
A downtown Tilted Kilt was turned upside down on Saturday afternoon following a brawl between 2 men and 1 woman. The fight was reportedly started after one man, David Ortiz of Glendale, became angry about a draft pick that was “stolen” from him.
“Doug (Westhoff) knew I was drafting Bell and I knew he was drafting David Johnson, at least that’s what I thought. Instead that asshat drafted Bell first pick, he knows what a diehard Steelers fan I am and he did it just to piss me off.” Instead of drafting Johnson, Ortiz decided to pickup another Steeler, Antonio Brown, for his first pick. “That really pissed off Kathy (Miller), because she had third pick and was really set on Brown, she doesn’t have much faith in Johnson this year.” What followed was one of the bloodiest battle royales that Tilted Kilt had ever experienced.
“Kathy picked up a bottle and broke out the bottom of it, and tried to come at me like the crazy bitch she is,” stated Ortiz. He went on to say “We were all plastered by the time the draft even started, so that definitely played a role. Anyways I uppercutted that bitch and she sailed like a damn kite, I wasn’t about to get shanked.” Doug had this to say “Next thing I know, Kathy is sailing horizontally through the air, Dave uppercutted that ass so hard she levitated like that bitch from the Exorcist. It was crazy as Hell!” David then set his sights on Doug, seeking retaliation for his “stolen” draft pick. “He turned towards me and I could swear that dude’s eyes were black as night at that moment. He lunged towards me and I put that asshole in a chokehold because he’s a bitch that don’t know how to fight,” stated Hagan.
When asked if he intentionally took his friend’s intended first round draft pick, Doug responded “Of course I did, I love pissing off that little butt pirate. I’d do it again too.”
When all was said and done, all three were arrested on charges ranging from assault to assault with a deadly weapon, and a recently enacted crime termed “Being a little bitch” which apparently is only enforced during fantasy football season.
