snoocher
We all know that coworker. You know, the one who is always upbeat and super happy at work everyday? Happy to the point where it gets on your nerves and you wish they would just tell you to fuck off, just once. Do you ever wonder what they do when they leave work? Here’s a list of six things that coworker does when they leave work for the day:
1. They stop at the liquor store.
Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Everyone has a life outside of work, and little did you know that over the top co-worker likes to drink a bit of grandma’s cough syrup after work. Not just the light stuff either, they prefer whiskey and bourbon because it hits them hard and burns like a soldering iron. They usually pick up a 750ml but on occasion a 1.75ml of Jack Daniels when they really want to get sauced. It’s hard work keeping up appearances at work and by this point they’ve worked up a tolerance.
2. They crack open the bottle as soon as they leave the store.
They have a drinking problem, there’s no denying it. They may seem so perfect on the outside. Always upbeat, always friendly, courteous, etc…But that is just a face they put on to deal with your bullshit and everyone else’s at the office. In reality, they died inside a long time ago. The only thing they have to look forward to is that sweet bottled relief, and they chug it as soon as they can. Drinking and driving is a regular daily activity for them. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the front of their car, there’s probably a few good size dents or even a missing bumper.
3. They are violent.
I know, this is all hard to take in. They are so nice to you, but secretly they want to beat your ass. That person most likely goes home and assaults their significant other, too. It could be verbally or physically but most likely it’s both. Especially if that coworker appears to be a sweet old lady. Don’t let her fool you, she’s got a mean right hook and she’s not afraid to share it with your face. Furthermore this person most likely maintains a shit-list, and you don’t want to be on it.
4. They hoard keys, bottle caps, and random household items.
Let’s face it, 95% of the workforce hates their job. Do you think this person is any different? They used to be just like you. They had a normal social life, a bunch of friends, someone to come home to, and even a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Unfortunately those days have long since passed. They’ve spent the last 20 years collecting anything and everything they can because it’s thrilling to them. They have an impressive bottle cap display and an extensive collection of keys that would make any locksmith jealous. This one should be obvious, but they also own many, many cats. In fact, most cat owners have an alcohol problem and are violent by nature.
5. They have a terrible gambling addiction.
Alcoholism and gambling go together like spaghetti and meatballs. Alcohol also lowers your impulse control, which is a terrible thing to lose when it comes to gambling. These people have most likely borrowed money from all of their close friends and relatives, and burned many bridges in the process. Don’t fall for their kindness at work, it’s a trap.
In summary, it’s important to know that anyone at your work who is extremely kind and over the top most likely suffers from some, if not all of the issues in our list. Don’t trust these people, just give them enough respect to keep you off their shit-list. Also, it’s important to not be kind to others at your work because you don’t want to make them think you are a hoarding, alcoholic cat collector with a gambling addiction.
